Paddle Fabrication On The Brown And Stinky Creek!

We've all been there. Nothing in our sights but nasty threats, impatiently waiting challenges, bad smelling dooms, and impossibly ugly situations. I am referring to the feeling of helplessly sailing into a paralyzing cacophony of menacing boogie-men and purple meanies just ready to pounce. There is a colloquial phrase for this-- colorfully expressed as being up a certain particularly smelly creek without a paddle. I think you know what I mean.

While the threats may be more imaginary than real, the paralysis can be very real. Unfortunately the state of being frozen by fear is not a particularly useful one from which to handle impending challenges. In the Darwinian world survival of the fittest, being unable to move is commonly considered an express ticket to extinction. Somewhere in between flight and fight, fetal positioned stock-still panic only works in the presence of grizzly bears.

So lets, shake off the gross paralysis long enough to fashion a paddle and give ourselves a chance to steer clear of the worst of what may or may not come. At very least, you'll have something in your hands to fend away the closest claws.

First, take a deep slow breath. Even if you don't feel like you can (and that does sometimes happen) force yourself to breath deeply and slowly. If you are feeling the paralysis physically, make the breath high in your chest. If you are more caught in the panic of images and unpleasant anticipatory thoughts, try breathing lower in your belly. That should buy you a few seconds of rational thought: the first step in paddle construction.

Now, remember the last time you were in a similar situation. If you are blazing new ground in terror here, then recall the last most similar situation. Remind yourself, as you recall this situation, that you did survive it. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here to fear again. In fact, no matter how bad it gets, you have no evidence that you won't survive-nothing prior to now has been able to do you in. You have always survived before. Congratulate yourself for your skill in creating such situations, not everyone is so talented in adrenalin production. Then, congratulate yourself on your skill of surviving all previous such situations. You are now a little closer to having a full fledge paddle in your hand.

Now, as you have recalled surviving challenges before (remember learning to ride a bike? That certainly started out as an overwhelming task,) you must realize that there is possibly a future after this particular one that you are currently enjoying. Use that same imagination that is so good at imagining the worst, to briefly imagine looking back from a future vantage having somehow successfully navigated these current threatening and smelly rapids. You don't have to imagine how you got through, just that you did. You might even imagine smiling as you look back, having survived once again, and, in the process, having collected some great stories. For example, when I am experiencing very troubling times, I always try to gain enough mental flex room to remind myself how interesting this is all going to seem to me while I'm watching next season's NBA playoffs. That thought, for me, always works to gain a little perspective.

You should by now, feel a bit of the panic and paralysis lifting at least slightly. In all but the most unusual situations, most of our threats are not the 'gun to the head' variety, but rather, the 'imagining the worst' variety. Once you allow yourself a few moments of imagining something a little less dramatic than the worst, that cycle of cataclysmic thinking is weakened. You have, in effect, fashioned your paddle. The less panic we experience, the more blood flows to our brain's thinking centers, and the better able we are to handle whatever, if anything, is really threatening us. Now paddle to the shore, wipe your feet, and figure out what you want to do next. Whether it's flight, fight, or laugh out loud, you'll be better equipped.

Me, You, And Ted Haggard

I read about Ted Haggard's confession of homosexuality and use of methamphetamines, just as you probably have. And I had reactions to it just as you probably do. The first reaction I had was a sense of vindication tinged with that luscious feeling of revenge that the hypocrisy of gay bashing was once again being brought to light.

And while that vindication may bolster the just cause of equality for all human beings, revenge is sweet for only a few short moments. I recognize that underneath my righteous indignation there is a deeper lesson about hypocrisy, at least for me.

Just as presumably Ted Haggard is both humbled and humiliated by this exposure, don't we all have hypocrisies that would publicly humble and humiliate us if exposed? Yes, his hypocrisy had great influence over the White House, the Republican agenda, and a large Evangelical following. But don't our individual hypocrisies also influence others as well as social policies?

If we tell our children to abstain from alcohol and drugs but hide our own chemical histories or current use/abuse, what impact does that have? We may argue that we want them to do as we say, not as we do. But couldn't Mr. Haggard have made that same argument?

If we use an illegal substance but are glad for the arrest of street corner drug dealers, doesn't this hypocrisy have an impact? Aren't our prisons overflowing with people who may have touched the contents of that little plastic baggie hidden in our underwear drawer? <




If we are calling an end to war with Iraq but continue to consume half of the world's fossil fuels, much of it for jetting to distant vacation spots or filling up our SUVs, isn't there just the teeniest bit of hypocrisy in this?

If we pride ourselves for buying organic fruits and vegetables but demand that they be available year round, hurting both local farmers as well as requiring enormous amounts of fuel to get them to the nearest Whole Foods store, isn't there something for us to examine?

Of course, I can go on and on with this list but my point isn't to shame us. My point is to acknowledge that all our hypocrisy causes damage. Rather than cast stones at one another, we could take the news of Mr. Haggard and look more deeply into ourselves. We could remove our own veils of hypocrisy, acknowledge our own falls from grace, tell more truths about who we really are, change whatever behaviors we don't like in ourselves, forgive ourselves and others for our trespasses, and go about living life more consciously and compassionately. This is my take away from today's news.

Framing The Big Picture

The most powerful concept in persuasion is framing. When we look at the overall, big picture we can see most everything we do and say as a frame. When I suggest examples based on religion and politics, I'm not (NOT!!) endorsing one side or another. I'm simply showing where our blind spots exist, where we have holes in our arguments. if you have a belief that you fervently or fanatically believe in, you might just be blind to the other side of the issue.

When we talk about the pro-life/pro-choice debate, the other side, no matter which side you're on, is absolutely wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. The other side is NEVER going to accept your point of view. It's just not an option. There are some that are so certain that this is not a "choice" but murder. Others believe it's not a frame at all, but an elimination of a woman's choice to have freedom over her body. There is no in between, no gray area for either side.

I have absolutely no interest in changing your deeply held beliefs, but my goal is to simply point out that all of these beliefs, ultimately, are different frames.

The ability to reframe is to tell our truth, life the way we see it. It requires us to repeat things deeply carving neuro pathways that show us what to think in any given situation, with any given group or idea, in any setting.

Without naming names, think of the major coffee chain, the one that's taking over the world. They're responsible for putting little mom and pop cafes out of business. They charge A LOT. They may even be slightly overrated. AND yet, they are fair to their employees even providing part time workers with health insurance. They buy their product from sustainable coffee growers in 'third world' (another frame) countries. They also have a delicious organic iced decaf mocha. <




It's possible all of these statements are true at once. Maybe it doesn't matter a lick to you either way. But they are beliefs and as a result, they are frames.

You can do this with everything. Try health care providers, for example. They are 'miracle workers', they're caring, nurturing, overpaid, shills for big pharmaceutical and insurance companies.

Your beliefs may include none of these descriptions. At the very least, you can see that each statement is a frame. We've all had good and bad experiences with health care providers and these experiences necessarily color the way you view the profession. If your first memory was of being ill and having to be hospitalized, then that would have an enormous imprint on a fear of hospitals. At the same time, the procedure may have saved your life. This might not help adjust your frame because the negative experience of illness and pain, would be overshadowed by the positive experience of being alive. Only through multiple positive experiences would that change the neuro pathways that make you fear health care providers/hospitals.

It is my hope that in repeating the importance of frames, some of you may begin to view the whole world as a series of frames.